I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
