Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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