wrigley field is MILF paradise
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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