hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
