Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
