I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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