Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
