I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
