i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
