It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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