You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
