come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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