You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
