So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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