11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
