Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
