first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
