I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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