Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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