The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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