cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
