The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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