in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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