The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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