Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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