I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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