im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize