May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
