My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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