How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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