Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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