I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
