Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize