He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
