Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
