a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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