worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize