Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
