So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
