you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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