i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
