i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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