I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize