I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
