So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
