When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
