found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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