Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
