I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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