Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
