I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
