put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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