Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
