people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The uberlube is also flammable
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
