I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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