I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
