the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
