Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
