Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize